flashbacks

I think most people at some point in their lives have had flashbacks to unpleasant memories. For some of us, like me, they are painful memories that cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). They come at the most inconvenient times and often leave us with feelings of vulnerability and scared. Even if they have happened in the past they still feel real as the day they happened and many times your brain will form a barrier that will not allow to feel those emotions or have that scene replay. That is where PTSD comes into play. Something will eventually trigger those events and wreaks havoc in your lives. I went through counseling the first time and relived some horrible memories from my childhood you hope no one else will ever have to experience.

Mine came when my daughter was born. I was living back with my mom and drove by the place where the abuse happened on my way to the past office,which turns out to be the church we attended when I was growing up. With the combination of these factors eventually led to the memories returning. It didn’t help I had post par tum depression as well which was not widelyrecognized in the early 1990’s. It was a year of pure hell while in counseling, I am grateful my older 2 were to young to remember how bad I was during that year. I was an emotional basket case. X at the time was not willing to go with me to help with my feelings because he didnt have the time.

Three years ago things returned with a new vengeance. I had started school again and had returned after being gone for 3 years to the NW with the military. Our divorce was finally final and W and I were living together by then. The professor I had for Math aggravated me to no end. I hated him and honestly did not know why. It turns out he looked like the person who abused me as a teen. I had this flashback while driving home from the class. The combo of x returning and this man resemblance sent me into round 2 of PTSD. I met a wonderful counselor at the university I attend for almost 3 years she counseled me. Through alot of anxiety, irrational fears at times but are very real to survivors. I ended counseling last month.

I am finally on my own. I am standing on my own 2 feet. Flashbacks though will always be there and can come at the worst times such is the case that happened recently. They still leave you scared and anxious for the moment and sometimes can make other feel extremely bad if they feel it was their fault. It is just the fact of life at times, I am wanting to step out of the comfort zones when it comes to making love. To be free of fear is what I want and even though I want to go further than I should,it backfires. Last night was a backfire night. One of the worst I have had in along time. The difference? My life goes on today, in the here and now. Counseling has taught me the coping skills I need.

I don’t know why I wrote this, except to maybe tell someone it’s not your fault any kind of abuse has ever happened. There are books, counselors, websites, etc to help. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. It is there for you.

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2 Comments »

  1. 1
    Kristen Says:

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but glad you finally have the coping skills to help you.

  2. 2
    holly Says:

    I must thank you for posting this. Many of us go through life wondering if we are the only ones fighting something off (whether it’s PTSD or something else). How wonderful that you are coping so well. You sound incredibly strong and resilient.


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