Moving on…

November 30, 2011

So it’s been awhile….no need to go through everything….so bullets work…

  • We moved in July to CC. Our other house in I we are selling….renters for the moment there….long crazy time
  • We have 2 high schoolers and 1 5th grader, oldest 2 in college
  • J is still teaching at high school
  • I am here enjoying the ability to participate more
  • I am walking away from Master’s degree….I don’t like it….

Watching Parenthood last night hit a nerve that I thought was dead….they part where the bf talks about having a baby and I teared up…why? Not sure a fleeting moment of wish we would have more time to decide and not live in a backward state. Yes we have 5 and love all of them…but still at rare occasions wish we could have maybe one more….it’s not happening and I am really ok with it. You know hormonal time of the month tends to make you sappy….

We are not decorated for Christmas and I think I am ready to go nuts….as yes flood in garage back in Oct ruined tree and lights but we did not know until we tried to put it up..

I think that’s it for now..later

Wow it’s been that long??

June 5, 2011

Well I knew it had been a bit but wow almost 9 months! My name is still in limbo. I now have the same last name as Wendy but Texas won’t recognize my marriage certificate….annoying to say the least. So my social security card is my real last name and tx will only allow my x married name or maiden name.

We are moving!!! It’s time to leave where we live now.It has been good to us but I am ready for a new adventure. We are moving to the major city….in a real neighborhood. We will see how we do.

In limbo

September 8, 2010

When we renewed our vows in March we changed our last names to Jo’s maiden name. When we returned to our we don’t exist state we found out we could not get our drivers license for our name change….why you ask? They don’t recognize same sex marriage certificates. So now I am flying to my home state to get a temp license and then come back here and change it back. So my SS card has my new name and my drivers license has my old name. I feel like a split personality.

Venting

July 27, 2010

It has been forever since I have posted here and most people catch up now through facebook. I am here venting everything that you can’t say out there.I am so angry about so many things I don’t know where to put it all anymore.

I am most angry at religion. I was a firm believer, went to church for many years and never questioned the rules of the churches. When I met Wendy that went by the wayside I tried to go for awhile and it felt hypocritical. I haven’t been in years and the thought of church lately after all that has been going on has left me very bitter and angry and questioning why I believe at all. I have lost my health insurance, my vision insurance, as well as a very mean and vindictive job offer that was prayed about that ended in us being jolted in the fact she did not get the job.

Prayers had gone up for no more job offers please we need some peace to stay here. A job offer comes in to a state where we are legal…..she would teach subjects she likes…..extra money from my canceled insurance policy arrives in our bank account….rave reviews from all references, great interviews…please don’t let this be a cruel joke God we have been trying forever to get out. Excitement builds and wham o a generic email saying she did not get the job WHAT THE FUCK??????????? Yeah I know it’s for the best yada yada…what about the original prayer of no more job offers unless its the real deal? That went unheeded and unheard….it’s not worth the emotional pain anymore…not right now….God has not listened in years….

I am angry I HATE it here….there is nothing to do. For me any class I want to take is not feasible…latex and rubber everywhere. The thought of having to spend more time in a suck ass area where they do nothing but scorn and ridicule for the gay community is enough for me. I hate that.

Yeah this a horrible post and full of whining and pity….I feel angry and abandoned by something I believed in for a very long time…and now I not sure what to believe anymore.

Craziness and more craziness….

February 16, 2010

Let’s do some bullets here….

  • I am taking 2 grad classes and they are fun the professor is an ass and no one else teaches this degree….sigh
  • I have early stages of Hashimoto disease- a thyroid disorder in which your body attacks itself…sounds grand doesn’t it?
  • Liz is driving us nuts being home right now. The poor me syndrome is annoying as all f’ing hell.
  • Jo and I are doing well….we didn’t do VD this year….felt odd but damn I love her more than one day a year.
  • Found some old rolls of film and one of them was from Thanksgiving 2000, I don’t remember that week in RI except I missed the hell out of Jo.
  • I am tired people probably more than I have been in a long time and its not from depression….more from my thyroid problems
  • We are going to change our last names to Jo’s maiden name….I don’t want to go back to mine because of past abuse, my current last name has had some abuse issues as well….so maybe you understand the nervousness of changing again. I want to have the same last name as hers…it’s time.
  • I want to work….I want more out of life and something for me….staying home is not enough anymore at times and just plain crazy other times to even think of it.
  • I want to MOVE!! I have been here long enough….I want the thorn of our lives out period. This is meaning more than 1 person.

We got a curveball…

January 15, 2010

You know the phrase when life throws you a curve ball? Yes it has happened here. My oldest daughter was in a car accident the week of Thanksgiving and her left lower leg was injured…so much so she is home for the Spring semester.It’s a huge adjustment for everyone esp.me since I will be taking her to her physical therapy appts etc. Throw in Nate’s weekly appt and then the monthly kid appts it becomes kind of crazy.

I am also taking 2 grad classes on Tues and Thurs night….so it is going to be crazy. I am wondering when my free time comes in…I love my daughter but I also crave alone time at times…so it’s a challenge. I have mixed feelings so, so,¬†relieved¬†she is alive…and yet at the same time resentful I again have to put my life on hold again for the family. I have a degree in teaching I want to use…yet the needs of the family overrun the time I need to teach. With everything going on Jo and I would have come close to running out of sick days by now. I resent it….I want my time to be a teacher…something I have a passion for.

Jo can’t really help with the running around because by the time she is out of school most things are closed…..I know she wants to help…it’s just not working out. I am also running with some of my own health issues at the moment…some days are I am exhausted and there is nothing I can really do about that right now…more doctors and tests to come in the coming weeks….

I so want to get the hell out of here…..I miss more things to do…I feel if we lived in a bigger gay community that had things to do I would not feel so damn isolated. Community here zilch…opening churches…..not really….it’s a pain…..and I am so tires of being isolated….of not being free….

I am caught in a web I have no control over right now….and it is pissing me off and angry right now….I want peace and calm for a bit…is that to much to ask?

Tomorrow is…

January 4, 2010

Ultrasound day! I am having one on my liver and spleen….I hate doing all this and still not having any answers..sigh and Jo won’t be there for this one…she needs to save her sick days in case we need them later.

Hard beginnings

January 3, 2010

There are certain people who I know by cyberspace and in real life who are going through very rough times right now. It is very hard to watch others go through such pain but you know eventually they will be okay. It makes you want to reach out and say I have been there and it will get better.

But you also know from experience that when you are in pain emotional or physical it is extremely difficult to see the sun. It is gray and gloomy with specs of light here and there. I feel for my friends right now and know they will get through these rough times….it’s just so hard to watch them suffer so.

New Year and lots looming

January 2, 2010

It is the start of a new year and a new decade. I have lingering doctor appts to go to as well as an ultrasound on Tues on my liver and spleen. I am emotionally and physically exhausted right now. I am battling a horrible head cold right now and I feel like shit.

I am 41 now…ten years older than I was in 2000. So much has happened in this past decade….

I am now a certified teacher!

I now have 2 kids in college.

I went through a marriage, divorce, and happily remarried.

I have lived in Texas over 10 yrs.

I think I am finally in a place that I am happy in daily life.

Things are not always rosy and I cant expect them to be. Jo and I have been through some very hard times on and off. The last couple of months have been extremely stressful at times and the stress will carry over into the new year. We just have so much going on these next couple of weeks it will be stressful for a bit.

Hang on and on we go.

Welcome to 2010

January 1, 2010

Hello new decade! What a fast 10 years that was!